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11 July 2017

Random Shit I've Learned Part Three... Or Shit That Makes Me Want Beat People With A Sack Full Of Newborns. Whichever Works.


The intervening period between my last article of this nature and this one were... tumultuous, you might say.  I have learned a lot about life, the world, your mom, the fact that shit is not always fair, and nothing is guaranteed to go your way. Additionally, if it seems to be going your way, you best not be fooled- as I said in my last psychological article hate is a good thing and so is pessimism.  Life doesn't always come out chicken and waffles- even when succeeding is easy, because if you're a psychopath who lives by mottos like "moderation is mediocrity; extremity is excellence", you certainly can still find a way to lose.



If you're not caught up on the goings on in my life, I got into a crazy relationship the insane, Hunter S. Thompson-worthy details of which will remain unpublished until I write a memoir, spent most of a year lifting between 3 and 4 times a week packed to the gills with vodka, chicken fingers, and tater tots, then had the succubus leave me.  I paid cash for the most expensive rehab in the history of the universe, met a highly vaunted NFL bust and a lot of doctors whacked off their faces on meth (which is troubling to say the least), failed to win her heart with my efforts and went utterly berserk with partying until I eventually ended up in jail resultant to a DUI.  I've always joked that I live in a fucking cartoon, but I seriously don't live a normal life, unless you're Robert Downey Jr or the aforementioned amazing author.  No matter my love of the extreme, even I can admit you can overdo shit, and I did.  I still stand behind my defenses of drinking that sent the No Fap/No Fun/No Strength posters on Reddit (here and here) into apoplexy, but that shit can certainly get away from you.  You have to keep the tiger by the tail, as it were, and I got bitten a lot.  Shit happens.  In any event, I learned a hell of a lot over the last two years, and I am about to impart that knowledge to you.


Someone in antiquity posed for this, in a place where cows were rare, supplements didn't exist, and the only weights were whatever was handy.  And he's bigger than all of us... but tragically hung like a baby.

You can do a lot more with a lot less.  
I know I own a supplement company and this might be counterproductive to selling shit to people.  I'm not about selling shit.  I'm about results.  What I can tell you is that I was under the impression you needed all of the things in the perfect place to succeed in strength- sleep had to be ten hours a day, to digest the 500 grams of protein you stuffed into your stomach after two sessions of heavy weights a day.  I knew from my research that people managed to get stupidly jacked pre-refrigeration and supplements, but I figured I was just genetically cursed and required all the advantages of the modern era.  I was fucking stupid.


Gnolls are the only apex predators that could wipe us out.  Luckily, they're fictional.

If you claim to be a hardgainer, feel free to message me and I'll come to your house and hang a beating on you that you will not live long enough to never forget for being retarded.  This is not hyperbole.  If you're not big and strong, it's because you don't want to be.  As I've stated many, many times, people are supposed to be jacked and strong.  It's our state in nature.  That and our massive brains is the reason we're apex predators and have dominated this planet.  You're not genetically cursed- you're mentally fucked.  Thousands of years of programming have rendered you physically impotent.  You've been sold a lie that claims you're a sheep and not a wolf, even though humans and dogs are the only two predators on the planet that cooperate.  That is significant.  If we are sheepdogs as posited in American Sniper, we're only sheepdogs because we pity the weak, in spite of the fact that the weak are beneath contempt and killing our species.  You need to recognize these facts.


I get a little link happy sometimes.  Sue me.  The first one is my favorite movie that's not The Devil's Rejects, and the rest are informative.

Prehistoric people moved stones we can only dream of budging.  Ancient Olympic athletes performed feats of strength that seem positively superhuman.  None of these guys had more than some ephedra and goat meat in their blood, and they rocked out with their cocks out daily, because humans are born to win.  We wiped out the physically and possibly mentally superior neanderthals, exterminated every bit of megafauna on Earth, and then went on to conquer everything but our own innate hatred of ourselves. 

Does that mean you should be one of those dipshits who eschews all supplements and will cram your limp dick in the ear of anyone at the gym who will sit still long enough to you to wrestle its flaccid form into that tiny hole and harangue them about how you refuse to even drink coffee before you train and you still can do such-and-thus unimpressive thing?  I wouldn't, because everyone in every gym despises that asshole, and because you're just making an easy thing harder than it needs to be.  Even cavemen used ephedra, khat, coffee, coca leaves, or whatever local stimulant they had handy, and they did so because they knew it improved their performance and made them better human beings.  Moreover, if they'd had protein powder back in the day, I guarantee they'd have used it, because real lifters have been all over protein powder since the shit was invented, even when it was basically undrinkable.  So, if you get into a jam and can't afford protein powder for a while, or you can't get into a paid gym for a couple of weeks, know that it is not the end of the world- just fucking nut up and sally forth.  If you can afford it, however, you might as well enjoy the benefits of living in the technological age.


Have you ever seen your "super mega br00tal hardcore" gym this packed?  Me neither.

You can do more with less.  
I spent five of my seven months in jail doing nothing more than weird, self-invented TRX style movements with a sheet, wall sits,  and ballistic incline pushups.  I'm sure the TRX people have a whole book detailing the same things I figured out on my own, but my point is that I lived on summer sausage, ramen noodles, and as many milks per day as I could buy off my fellow inmates, and I left jail with a 365 bench, easily Pendlay rowing 365 for triples, and jump squatting 405, weighing a slightly puffy 205.  How?  Boredom, hatred, and what I would consider not terribly hard work.  What I did was A LOT of work.  A lot of what I would consider to be very, very easy work.


video

Jumping online when I got out, I was highly amused to see all of these self-important missives on Facebook about the importance of quality work and the pointlessness of high volume training.  I damn near quit Facebook over it, in fact, because my feed was nothing but assholes who barely look like they lift pontificating about what does and what doesn't work when they've won nothing but jack and shit (and jack left town) and boring fucking videos of non-prs.  I don't know what in the fuck goes through people's minds when they post these fucking things, but let me set the record straight: NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR THIRD LACKLUSTER SET OF BENCH.  NO ONE.  NOT YOUR MOM, NOT YOUR CORPSE GOD, AND DEFINITELY NOT ME.  For fuck's sweet sake, let the madness end.



In any event, I can tell you from personal experience that 4-6 hours a day of low impact, sort-of-bodyweight shit adds up, and it's this little shit that can fill the gaps in your minimalist training routine to get your strength levels to the point that someone might actually give a shit about your training videos.  Before you fly off the fucking handle and suggest I train light and only do rep work now, notice that is not the point of my missive here- it's that TONS of light shit can backfill brutally heavy training and bring up your strength far more quickly than heavy training alone.  I keep an orange Elite FTS resistance band hanging up on my porch so I can do high rep sets of rows, curls, overhead press and the like whenever I want, and I am 100% certain it works... if for no other reason than Bruce Lee was about that life.  According to his wife, Linda:
"Bruce was forever pumping a dumbbell which he kept in the house. He had the unique ability to do several things at once. It wasn't at all unusual for me to find him watching a boxing match on TV, while simultaneously performing full side splits, reading a book in one hand and pumping the dumbbell up and down with the other. Bruce was a big believer in forearm training to improve his gripping and punching power. He was a forearm fanatic, if ever anyone came out with a new forearm course, Bruce would have to get it."
And Chuck Norris, the only person on the planet who can kick a man in the back of the face, had this to say about Lee's incessant training:
"I remember visiting the Lee household and seeing Bruce bouncing his little boy, Brandon, on his abdomen while simultaneously performing leg raises and dumbbell flyes."
So maybe get some resistance bands and a pullup bar and add some random light shit to your day when you can.  Unless, of course, you prefer to be fat and weak, in which case you should just carry on doing what you're doing.

This gets me to me next point, which is:



Being strong is ridiculously, embarrassingly easy.
Honestly, it is.  I was always the littlest kid in school- they wanted to keep me from going to first grade because they thought I was too small for elementary school.  I busted my ass to make the state traveling team for soccer, and fought my ass off for every position I ever earned on a varsity team.  I'm neither a gifted athlete nor was I born preternaturally strong, but I was born with a hatred of losing.  A deep, abiding, all encompassing hatred of losing, and that is what drives me.  There's no brass ring for setting records or winning competitions that you can hold up at the end of your life and validate your existence, but you can break your ass to win at life so that at the end of your life you have no ragrets.  Not even one letter.


Ahhhh, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Being strong is fucking easy.  Really, really easy.  It doesn't require math, it doesn't need cameras and fancy equipment, and it doesn't require a team or a coach.  It's human vs. iron, and so long as you refuse to lose, you will win the war.  And I mean, refuse to lose- all of the positivity bullshit, hand-holding fitspo bullshit in the world will not make you strong- refusing to believe you are weak will make you strong.  Depending on what scientist you ask, we're 50-75% stronger than we act- there are just mental blocks in place to prevent us from utilizing strength that might cripple us.  I might have thought that was bullshit save for the fact that I've always owned dogs, and I know dogs cannot leave anything in the tank when they're excited.


Do not ever, ever own a dog mixed with a dachshund.  They're mean for no reason... but what would you expect for a dog breed bred to kill badgers?

Our dog growing up was this horrible asshole of a dachshund-lab mix named Tana, who hated it when people went in the pool and thought it was her sworn duty to announce to the world that someone was in peril of drowning by scampering around the pool and screaming at the top of her lungs at whoever was touching the water.  When my sister had her 16th birthday party, Tana went berserk for something akin to 8 hours, running full tilt around the pool and occasionally falling in, and never paused once for a break.  She spent the next 2 weeks bedridden unless we picked her up and carried her to water, food, or grass to use the bathroom, because as the vet diagnosed she'd basically pulled every muscle in her body.  He actually suggested we put her down.  All because she was so scared of swimming she thought it was her sworn duty to humanity to announce anytime a person was submerged in water- she had no physical limits to this duty.  Humans brains have a block that prevents us from over-exerting ourselves except in times of extreme need, but you can train it to pipe the fuck down so you can be superman more often- it is simply a matter of will.


If we were all werewolves, strength competitions would not even exist- they'd consist of nothing but corpses crushed under terrific weights, maimed and mangled people, and shattered records.

Canines are superior to humans in about every conceivable way.  I lack the breadth of vocabulary to explain exactly how true this is, but it is true.  Nevermind the fact that canines are more loyal and caring than a human being could ever be, but they lack the psychological restraints that humans have.  They're not designed for sprinting for ten hours straight, but they're prepared to do it if that's what they think is right.  You think you need the perfect program, or diet, or lifestyle, or genetics?  Bullshit.  You need strength of character, force of will, and a focused mind.  That's it.  No calculators, no spreadsheets, no training journals, no videos... none of the extraneous shit people have come to believe is magical but is in reality just a distraction from their goal.  And if you think I'm wrong, feel free to rock out and then show me how you used incremental loading with percentages of your daily max to lift the 315 lb oddly shaped rock Bybon lifted over his head with one hand 2,700 years before the invention of whatever training program is trending on Facebook these days.  



Oh, don't you worry- I've got a lot more to rant about, but I figure this is a good stopping point.  Coming very soon- the finale to my long-dead series about Kaz and Jon Pall (along with partially rewritten versions of the first two installments of that series), an article about how peanuts are quite literally poison, an article about the uncrowned champions of the Mr. Olympia contest, and a heavily history-based diet that I imagine a bunch of you will find intriguing even if you immediately dismiss it as poppycock and balderdash.  Chime in on my FB if you have a preference- I have the top ten list up on my page now.

52 comments :

  1. Fucking boom!! Any chance of a post on your current diet/training structure? Cheers

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    1. Of course. I have some cool new shit to fill you guys in on.

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  2. I agree about the peanut thing, something up with them. Peanut butter always makes my finger joints hurt. Brazils, walnuts, almonds - all good.

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    1. Oh, wait til you find out how bad they are for you.

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  3. Welcome back you magnificent bastard

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  4. Is the succubus the chick that got the C&P tattoo? That's all I'll ask about that. I'm glad you're writing again.

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    1. I'd rather not go into it. She doesn't want the aggravation, and I don't want anyone bugging her.

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  5. "failed to win her heart with my efforts"

    Why did you want to do that? She left you so, fuck her. I'm surprised at you Mr Lewis. I thought you understood women.....

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    1. Eh, I'm a romantic. What do you want me to say?

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    2. That's been the downfall of many an empire....

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    3. The best bit is the "at least dogs will never abandon me" stuff, hard not to feel pity.

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    4. Actually, i wouldn't put too much faith in dogs. I love my Jack Russell, but i know that if she found me dead on the floor she'd just eat me. Plus, if i'm eating a meal she's there begging, and i'll give her bits (takes it from my mouth) . Never shares her food. But still, they are more trust worthy than women

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    5. That dog would have left in a heartbeat if we'd have left the door open. Your reading comprehension skills have diminished in my absence, Blob. We'll have to work on that.

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    6. I'm sorry I must have read too much into the words "canines are more loyal and caring than a human being could ever be", not realising a dog would in fact still abandon you.

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  6. Also, alcohol is a dead end street. Everyone uses it, it's what the government want you to use. If you haven't tried ghb, you should. I bet if it had been available in ancient times, the vikings would have used it.

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    1. I never tried it- it was around maybe 10 years ago, but I've not seen it since.

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    2. Seriously? You have to try it. It's the only real, 100% reliable aphrodisiac. Any guy who usually wants sex missionary style, with the lights off, not really grabbing anything - he'll be into rimming, butt plugs, golden showers. It's that good. And makes women just as filthy. It's also an awesome sleep inducer, perfect for after late night workouts. About a gram more than for sex / partying, it knocks you out, no if no buts. Did it at my wedding unfortunately, kinda ruined it actually but that's not important here. You gotta try it. I've been making my own on and off for about 20 years (run out at the moment). It's the easiest chemistry experiment that there is. You gotta try it, you're missing out. And it's healthy too. Unless you take too much and drive, pass out, crash and die

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    3. any self incrimination going on here?

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    4. Hahaha WTF! GHB is worse than alcohol and you actually gave away the reason. It's too extreme and highly addictive. It can kill you very quickly, too.

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    5. Hmm, i haven't got the actual figures to hand. But i think the number of deaths attributed to alcohol worldwide over the past few decades has been something like tens of millions. I'm pretty sure the figure for ghb is somewhere near zero. Tough decision to make there, knowing which one's safest, it's so close.

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    6. Figures near zero probably because only a handful of people use it.

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    7. Yep, me one of them. Probably best to keep it that way now, let the plebs destroy their livers with booze.

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  7. I've missed these info dumps. Glad you're back

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  8. "Kick a man in the back of the face"....hahahaha

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    1. I wanted one I'd never heard before- shit had me cracking up.

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  9. Are you going to compete again? Fuck up the 181's like you did a few years ago?

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    1. Two Thousand Hateteen, I shall return to the 181s.

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  10. Shakespearean pre workout. If you don't find this as good as ephedrine, you're uneducated. Or not English.

    https://youtu.be/q6pWPiNUiyg

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    1. Then color me uneducated, haha, because watching some toff mince about and recite Old English just makes me want to smash him, not weights.

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    2. Sigh....stick to ephedrine then. I guess it's more for the Steve Jeck's of the world, and English men proud of their magnificent war history.

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    4. yeah, that old shakespearean baloney, only thing it'll guarantee you is an epic self-massacre - worked out really well for the light brigade in the crimean war when they charged headlong into the russian cannons.
      much prefer the german approach of moving away from those pointless fixed-bayonet charges during WW1 by creating the stosstruppen, psychotic bastards fuelled sky-high on fatty sausage, coffee and filterless turkish cigarettes, armed with sackloads of stick grenades and taking trenches from the left and right flanks and clearing them towards the centre.
      no "once more into the breach" with them, they just got in there and destroyed it.

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    5. Hey that's right! That's how those uber tough Germans won world war 1. Wait, no, hang on. England won it.... Learn some history you thick fucking inbreed.

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    6. England's a shithole. You Brittish mutts got your pussys bent over and FUCKED.

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    7. Nah, Britain won it. What alternate reality is Phil living in that Germany won WW1?

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  11. I read somewhere that having large genitals was seen as an indication that you were an idiot. So, that's why many works of art from antiquity depicted men with tiny dicks.

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    1. Yes, chicks often make that mistake with me, but i'm actually really intelligent

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  12. I'm glad that Jamie Lewis exists to kick the weakness out of the back of our collective faces every once in a while. Awesome to have you back.

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  13. Awesome article man. Any particular reason why you did wall sits rather than squats?

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    1. And expose his arse in a prison?! Actually, you're on about Jamie Lewis, good question.

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  14. What is your opinion about Eric Bugenhagen method? The guy is strong as fuck, but also a minimalist in exercise selection.

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    1. Just googled him.
      Lame.
      And also sports a gay moustache.

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    2. I know his method. I am just curious about the thoughts of Jamie about him. Read again what I wrote.

      Juan

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  15. Hey, man. I'm really glad you are back. Your blog completely changed my life by influencing my values and view of the world.

    May I ask you two quick questions?

    - Bugenhagen, whom I have come to know through you, seems to pretty much to be doing GOMAD and one exercise-to-insanity-a-day. What do you think about that, specially the milk?

    He swears by it, saying it's not the milk itself, but "factors and peptides"... In other words, comparable amounts of meat would not cut it. Not sure I trust his scientific insight, but it seems to me he is someone one could try to emulate. I'm thinking about giving it a try, but it would be dumb to not at least ask you for advice.

    - Any idea what happened to Stanton at gnolls dot org? Awesome guy, great book, but he's been gone for... 3 years?

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    1. Just think what you could do.....with TWO gallons of milk a day!! Fucking hell, twice the factors and peptides!
      Then, do one exercise per day....to ULTRA INSANITY level!!
      Dude you've gotta give this a go!

      Ps, you're a cunt

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  16. I have a well bred German Shepard that embodies Chaos and Pain. He's fed 2 pounds of raw meat a day plus scraps. Sometimes he eats it too fast so he regurgitates it and eats it again. He eats it bone and all then chews on big ass cow knuckles because his jaw still isn't tired. His vertical is insane for an animal not built to jump. All this from a damn 10 month old not fully grown dog. I'd love to do a write up on what dyel's should learn from dogs.

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  17. Good to have you back from the Big House! Keep those fucking awesome articles and coupons coming since I've got most of the dudes I work with crushing the info on this site and doing mass orders with me.

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  18. The outdoor gym is hydropark in Kiev, awesome place. All home made weights and equipment from scrap metal. Amazing what you can make with imagination, scrap steel, cables, pulls and rope. I was there a couple weeks ago. Fun place. Most bars bent it challenges balance, grip and stability. Squatting on uneven ground with unbalanced weights was a different challenge. Everyone there to just lift. No pretty machines or chrome weights. You should go you would have a blast. I will go back again. After lifting walk across the street to the beach to see the sights and swim in the river.

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  19. If you ever come back to reddit, you should do an AMA on fitnesscirclejerk.

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    1. That place turned into a shit house.

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  20. In a case you've missed this 500 kg squat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izdw00e57UI

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